A Madman’s Diary

There was a friend, a brother to someone. I’ll keep his name hidden; he was a good friend of mine back in middle school. After years of separation, our communication gradually faded. Recently, I heard that one of them was seriously ill; when I returned to my hometown, I took a detour to visit, and only met one person, who said the sick one was his younger brother. He thanked me for coming from afar to see him but informed me that he had already recovered and had gone to a certain place to wait for a vacancy. He laughed, showing me two volumes of diaries, saying that they could reflect the state of his illness at the time, and it was no problem to dedicate them to an old friend. I took them home and read through them once, knowing that the illness was a kind of “persecution mania”. The language is quite chaotic and incoherent, and there are many absurd words; it also does not have dates, but the ink color and font are different, knowing that it was not written at one time. Occasionally, there are some slightly connected ones, and now I will record one piece for the study of medical professionals, without changing a single word of the language in the diary; only the names of people, although they are all villagers, are not known to the world, and are irrelevant to the overall situation, but they are all changed. As for the book title, it was given by himself after recovery and will not be changed again. Recorded on April 2, 1918.

One

Tonight, there is very good moonlight. I haven’t seen him for more than thirty years; today, I saw him, and my spirit is particularly refreshed. I only realized that the previous thirty years were all in a daze; however, I must be very careful. Otherwise, why did the Zhao family’s dog look at me twice? I am afraid for a reason.

Two

Today there is no moonlight at all, and I know it’s not good. I went out carefully in the morning, and the look in Zhao Guiweng’s eyes was strange: it seemed to be afraid of me, as if he wanted to harm me. There were also seven or eight other people, whispering and discussing me. They were also afraid that I would see. All the people along the way were like this. The most fierce one among them, with his mouth open, smiled at me; I was cold from head to toe, knowing that their arrangements were all in place. I am not afraid, and I continue on my way. A group of children in front of me were also discussing me; their eyes were the same as Zhao Guiweng’s, and their faces were all pale. I think what grudge I have with the children, and he is like this too. I couldn’t help but shout, “Tell me!” and they ran away. I think: What grudge do I have with Zhao Guiweng, and what grudge do I have with the people on the road; only twenty years ago, I kicked the old account book of Mr. Gu Jiu, and Mr. Gu Jiu was very unhappy. Although Zhao Guiweng did not know him, he must have heard the news and took it to heart on his behalf; he made an agreement with the people on the road to be hostile to me. But the children? At that time, they had not yet been born, why are they also staring at me with strange eyes today, as if they are afraid of me, as if they want to harm me. This really scares me, makes me puzzled and sad.

I understand, this is what their parents taught them!

Three

I always can’t sleep at night. Everything must be studied to understand.

They – some have been caned by the magistrate, some have been slapped by the gentry, some have had their wives taken by the yamen runners, some have had their parents forced to death by creditors; their faces at that time were not as afraid as yesterday, nor as fierce.

The most strange thing is the woman on the street yesterday, beating her son, and saying in her mouth, “Dad! I want to bite you a few times to vent!” His eyes were looking at me. I was startled and couldn’t cover it up; the group of green-faced and fanged people all laughed. Chen Laosi rushed forward and forcibly dragged me home.

Drag me home, all the people at home pretended not to know me; their eyes were the same as others. After entering the study, they locked the door, just like a chicken or duck was locked up. This matter makes me more and more unable to guess the details.

A few days ago, the tenant from Langzi Village came to report the famine and said to my eldest brother that a big villain in their village was beaten to death by everyone; a few people dug out his heart and liver, fried them with oil, and ate them to boost their courage. I said a word, and the tenant and my eldest brother both looked at me. I only realized today that their eyes were exactly the same as the people outside.

Thinking about it, I am cold from the top to the bottom of my feet.

They will eat people, and they may not necessarily not eat me.

You see the woman’s “bite you a few times” words, and the group of green-faced and fanged people’s laughter, and the tenant’s words from the day before yesterday, it is obviously a secret signal. I see that their words are all poison, their laughter is all knives, their teeth are all white and neatly arranged, this is the one who eats people.

According to my own thinking, although I am not a bad person, it has been difficult to say since I kicked the book of the old family. They seem to have other thoughts, and I can’t guess at all. Moreover, when they turn their faces, they say that people are bad. I still remember that my eldest brother taught me to write essays, no matter how good a person is, if you turn a few words, he will make a few circles; if you forgive a bad person a few words, he will say, “Turn the day’s wonderful hand, different from others.” How can I guess their thoughts, what on earth; moreover, it is the time to eat.

Everything must be studied to understand, in ancient times people often ate people, I also remember, but it is not very clear. I opened the history to check, this history has no date, and every page is full of the words “benevolence and morality”. I couldn’t sleep horizontally, and I carefully looked at it for half the night before I saw the words from the seams, and the whole book was full of two words, “eat people”!

There are so many words in the book, and the tenant said so many words, but they all smiled and looked at me with strange eyes.

I am also a person, they want to eat me!

Four

In the morning, I sat quietly for a while. Chen Laosi brought in the meal, a bowl of vegetables, a bowl of steamed fish; the fish’s eyes are white and hard, open mouth, just like the group of people who want to eat people. After eating a few chopsticks, I don’t know if it’s fish or people, and I vomited it out with the belly and intestines.

I said, “Laosi, tell the eldest brother that I am bored and want to walk in the garden.” Laosi didn’t agree and left, and after a while, he opened the door.

I also didn’t move, studying how they arranged me; knowing that they would definitely not let go. Sure enough! My eldest brother led an old man, walking slowly; his eyes were full of fierce light, afraid that I would see, just looking down at the ground, secretly looking at me from the side of the glasses. The eldest brother said, “Today you seem to be very good.” I said, “Yes.” The eldest brother said, “Today, I invite Mr. He to diagnose you.” I said, “Okay!” In fact, how could I not know that this old man is disguised as an executioner! It’s just to use the name of feeling the pulse, to feel the fatness: because of this merit, I can also share a piece of meat to eat. I am not afraid; although I do not eat people, my courage is stronger than theirs. I stretched out two fists to see how he would start. The old man sat down, closed his eyes, touched for a long time, and was stunned for a while; then he opened his ghost eyes and said, “Don’t think wildly. Rest quietly for a few days, and it will be okay.”

Don’t think wildly, rest quietly! Fatten up, they can naturally eat more; what benefits do I have, how can it be “okay”? They, this group of people, want to eat people and are sneaky, trying to cover up, afraid to start directly, really want to make me laugh, I can’t help it, and I burst into laughter, very happy. I know that there is righteousness and justice in this laughter. The old man and the eldest brother both lost their color, and they were suppressed by my courage and righteousness.

But the more courage I have, the more they want to eat me, to take advantage of this courage. The old man stepped out of the door and walked not far, then whispered to the eldest brother, “Eat quickly!” The eldest brother nodded. So there is also you! This great discovery, although it seems unexpected, is also within expectation: the people who eat me are my brothers!

The one who eats people is my brother!

I am the brother of the person who eats people!

I myself have been eaten, but I am still the brother of the person who eats people!

Five

These days, I took a step back and thought: even if the old man was not disguised as an executioner, but really a doctor, he is still a person who eats people. Their ancestor Li Shizhen’s “Bencao what” clearly writes that human flesh can be fried and eaten; how can he still say he does not eat people?

As for my eldest brother, he is not wronged at all. When he talked to me about books, he personally said that “exchange children and eat”; another time, by chance, he talked about a bad person, and he said that not only should he be killed, but also “eat meat and sleep on the skin”. I was young at that time, and my heart beat for a long time. The day before yesterday, the tenant from Langzi Village said that eating the heart and liver was not surprising, and he kept nodding. It can be seen that the mind is the same as before, and it is cruel. Since “exchange children and eat”, everything can be exchanged, and anyone can be eaten. I used to only listen to his reasoning and muddled past; now I know that when he was reasoning, not only was there still human oil on the edge of his lips, but also his heart was full of the idea of eating people.

Six

It’s pitch black, I don’t know if it’s day or night. The dog of the Zhao family barks again.

The fierce heart of a lion, the timidity of a rabbit, the cunning of a fox…

Seven

I know their method, they will not kill directly, and they dare not, for fear of disaster. So they all connect, spread a net, force me to commit suicide. Just look at the appearance of the men and women on the street a few days ago, and the actions of my eldest brother these days, you can understand about eighty or ninety percent. The best is to untie the belt, hang it on the beam, and strangle yourself tightly; they have no murder charge, and they fulfill their wishes, naturally they all happily emit a whining and sobbing laughter. Otherwise, if you die of fear and sorrow, although a bit thin, you can still nod a few times.

They are only good at eating dead meat! – I remember that there is a book saying that there is something called “Hai Yi Na”, with a very ugly look and appearance; always eating dead meat, even the largest bones, chew them carefully, swallow them into the stomach, thinking about it is also frightening. “Hai Yi Na” is a relative of the wolf, and the wolf is a relative of the dog. The dog of the Zhao family looked at me a few times yesterday, which shows that he is also a conspirator and has already contacted. The old man looked at the ground, how could he deceive me?

The most pitiful is my eldest brother, he is also a person, why is he not afraid at all; and he cooperates to eat me? Or has he been used to it and does not think it’s wrong? Or has he lost his conscience and knows but commits a crime?

I curse the people who eat people, starting with him; to persuade the people who eat people to turn around, also start with him.

Eight

In fact, this kind of truth, by now, they should have already understood…

Suddenly, a person came; he was not more than twenty years old, his appearance was not very clear, with a full face of smiles, nodding to me, his smile did not look like a real smile. I asked him, “Is it right to eat people?” He still smiled and said, “It’s not a famine year, how can people eat people.” I immediately knew that he was also a group, likes to eat people; so I became a hundred times more courageous and insisted on asking him.

“Is it right?”

“What do you ask him about this matter. You really will… Tell jokes. The weather is very good today.”

The weather is good, and the moonlight is also very bright. But I want to ask you, “Is it right?”

He disapproved. He hesitated and said, “No…”

“Not right? Why do they eat?!”

“There is no such thing…”

“There is no such thing? The wolf child village is eating now; there are also books written, all red and fresh!”

He changed his face, as iron as blue. He opened his eyes and said, “There may be some, this has always been the case…”

“Has always been the case, is it right?”

“I will not discuss these truths with you; in short, you should not say it, you are wrong if you say it!”

I jumped up straight, opened my eyes, and the person disappeared. My whole body was sweating, his age was far younger than my eldest brother, and he was also a group; this must be taught by his parents first. I’m afraid it has already been taught to his son; so even the children all look at me fiercely.

Nine

They want to eat people themselves, but they are also afraid of being eaten by others, all with a very suspicious look, looking at each other…

If you let go of this idea, you can rest assured to do things, walk, eat, and sleep, how comfortable. This is just a threshold, a key point. But they are fathers and sons, brothers, husbands and wives, friends, teachers and students, enemies, and people who do not know each other, all form a group, encourage each other, and restrain each other, and they will never cross this step.

Ten

Early in the morning, I went to find my eldest brother; he was standing outside the hall door looking at the sky, so I walked behind him, blocked the door, and said to him with extra calmness and kindness:

“Eldest brother, I have something to tell you.”

“You can say it.”

“I only have a few words, but I can’t say them. Eldest brother, I think at the beginning, the barbaric people all ate a little bit of people. Later, because of different thoughts, some people did not eat people anymore, they wanted to be good, and they became people, real people. Some still eat, – just like insects, some became fish, birds, monkeys, and have been evolving into people. Some do not want to be good, and are still insects to this day. How ashamed the people who eat people are compared to those who do not eat people. They are far more ashamed than insects are of monkeys.

“Yi Ya steamed his son and gave it to Jie and Zhou to eat, which has been a long time ago. Who knows, since the beginning of the world by Pan Gu, it has been eaten until Yi Ya’s son; from Yi Ya’s son, it has been eaten until Xu Xilin; from Xu Xilin, it has been eaten until the person caught by the wolf child village. Last year, when the city killed a criminal, there was also a person with tuberculosis, using steamed buns to dip blood and lick.

“They want to eat me, you alone, there is no way; but why do you have to join the group. The people who eat people, what can’t they do; they will eat me, they will also eat you, and within a group, they will also eat each other. But as long as you take a step, as long as you change immediately, everyone will be peaceful. Although it has always been like this, we can also be particularly good today, and say it can’t be! Eldest brother, I believe you can say, the day before yesterday the tenant wanted to reduce the rent, and you said it couldn’t be.”

At the beginning, he just sneered, and then his eyes became fierce. Once their secret was revealed, his face turned blue. A group of people stood outside the door, and Zhao Guiweng and his dog were also among them, all peeking in. Some could not see their faces, as if they were covered with cloth; some were still green-faced and fanged, with their mouths closed and smiling. I know they are a group, all people who eat people. But I also know that their thoughts are very different, one is that it has always been like this, it should be eaten; one is to know that it should not be eaten, but still want to eat, and are afraid that others will break it, so after hearing my words, they are even more angry, but they sneer coldly.

At this time, the eldest brother also suddenly showed a fierce look and shouted loudly:

“All go out! What’s there to see about a madman?”

At this time, I also understood one of their cleverness. They are not only unwilling to change, but they have already arranged; they are ready to cover me with the name of a madman. In the future, after eating, not only will there be no trouble, but there may even be someone who will see the situation. The tenant said that everyone ate a bad person, which is this method. This is their old routine!

Chen Laosi also walked in angrily. How can I hold my mouth, I insist on telling this group of people,

“You can change, start from the heart! You must know that in the future, there will be no place for people who eat people in the world.

“If you don’t change, you will also be eaten. Even if you are born more, you will be eliminated by real people, just like hunters finishing off the wolf cubs! – Just like insects!”

That group of people were all driven away by Chen Laosi. The eldest brother also didn’t know where to go. Chen Laosi advised me to go back to the house. The room was all dark. The beams and rafters were all trembling above my head; after trembling for a while, they became bigger and piled on me.

It was extremely heavy, and I couldn’t move; his meaning was to let me die. I knew that his heaviness was fake, so I struggled out and sweated all over. But I had to say,

“You change immediately, start from the heart! You must know that in the future, there will be no place for people who eat people…”

Eleven

The sun doesn’t come out, the door doesn’t open, and there are two meals a day.

I picked up the chopsticks and thought of my eldest brother; I knew the reason why my sister died was all because of him. At that time, my sister was only five years old, and her lovely and pitiful appearance is still in front of my eyes. My mother kept crying, but he advised my mother not to cry; probably because he had eaten, crying would inevitably feel a bit embarrassed. If you can still feel embarrassed…

My sister was eaten by the eldest brother, whether my mother knows or not, I don’t know.

Mother probably also knows; but when crying, she did not explain, probably also thinking it should be so. I remember when I was four or five years old, sitting in the hall to enjoy the cool, the eldest brother said that when parents are sick, the son must cut off a piece of meat, cook it, and then ask him to eat, which is a good person; my mother did not say no. If one piece can be eaten, the whole one can naturally be eaten. But that day’s crying method, now that I think about it, is still very sad, which is a strange thing!

Twelve

I can’t think anymore.

For four thousand years, the place that has been eating people, I only realized today that I have been mixed in it for many years; the eldest brother is in charge of the household, and the sister just died, he may not have mixed it into the meals and secretly let us eat. I may have unknowingly eaten a few pieces of my sister’s meat, and now it’s my turn…

Having a four-thousand-year history of eating people, although I didn’t know it at first, now I understand, it’s hard to see the real person!

Thirteen

Is there a child who has never eaten people?

Save the children…

(April 1918.)